The gray fog is approaching again as the countdown to chemo number 4 beings – T-minus a day and a half. I realize I dread chemo weeks. The smell of the “chemo suite” is already engrained in my nasal passages and thinking about it bring on momentary nausea. Within all this grayness though, I am grateful for my days without pain. It’s been 8 days in a row since the ER and 8 days since I’ve felt such terrible pain. These days are bright and I realize are a gift. I cherish these days as they enable me to go out into my world, to feel like an active participant in my life again. I cherish seeing familiar faces and connecting with friends, students, teachers, strangers.
Thank you for your continued support, love, smiles, and strength.
You can’t hug alone. If you’ve ever hugged somebody who wasn’t receptive to it, you know how awkward and icky it feels. For a hug to work, there must be synergy of giving and receiving the embrace.
If you’ve ever experienced something overwhelmingly joyful – like getting married, or overwhelmingly sad such as illness, injury, loss – grief, I pray that you were offered hugs, love, support, smiles and strength from those around you.
Yet offerings only do so much.
On the surface perhaps these offerings sound wonderful – helpful and healing. And they are. But just because they are offered does not mean they will be of service to you. You must accept them. You have dig deep inside yourself to that spot behind and just below the heart center, that spot on the edge of nausea and vulnerability, that spot that enables you to receive and accept. You have to come to look, feel and see within yourself – to embrace the truth that you are need of these gifts.
Being in need does not mean you are weak. It does not mean you are selfish. It does not mean you are not good enough or capable enough. It does not mean you have failed. Allowing yourself to be in need and to open your arms to not only be embraced, but to actually be held and healed by the hug- this takes an immense and immeasurable strength. It is this vulnerability that requires a certain humility that enabled you to see and to be seen in the world.
From the outside in.
It is in this moment, when the hug melts your entire being. It is in this moment where nothing in yourself is tense, where you let go and realize that by wrapping your arms around the other, their arms wrap around you. It is in this moment that the hug serves you both. The heat from your bodies is shared. Your breath becomes one. You become one.
Neither of you are alone.
This is a beautiful moment.