round 9

today is the 9th treatment.  I don’t have much to say about it except that it’s still feels far from the 12th – the last one.  I know it’s getting close to the end, but I think until I’m on the last treatment, I won’t feel like I see or feel the light. I will be hooked to chemo today thru Thursday which means I will likely feel like crap Thursday and Friday, maybe Saturday. My mouth will taste like hairy slime, I’ll feel tired and nauseous and have no appetite.  If I’m strong enough, Steve and I will join some friends on Thursday for some company and festivities. “If you feel well”. “Take care of yourself first.” “There’s no pressure”. 

There’s a lot to be grateful for. I know there is. I could rattle off dozens, if not 100’s of things I am thankful for.  But today, as I sit in the chemo suite, hooked to a tube of poisons for 6 hours, my head slightly aches and Steve is couch-ridden with a bad back and I can’t be there to care for him.

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2 thoughts on “round 9

  1. Hi there Collette – I’ve been following your blog for awhile. I appreciate your thoughts and observations and I am there with you in spirit as I am sure so many are. This Holiday season is difficult. Suffering in so many varieties. I turn to the truth that the Buddha found when things seem dark – the truth that life is characterized by suffering and there is a way through it to happiness. I know that is true but sometimes it seems impossible to find the way. One thing I’ve found is that no matter what I’ve achieved there is always something “out there” that I think will make me happy. So incredible to be alive, and so easy to take for granted when nothing seems to be going the right way. I know, I feel my dreams slipping through my fingers over the past year – but I know in truth that they are still there. I am going through some personal suffering that makes it seem like happiness is difficult to find. But then, in a moment of forgetfullness, I achieve happiness for a moment. It is almost like I am grasping on to the suffering because it is familiar. I write all this without any reason other then to share a few moments of compassion with you. Thank you for writing.

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