4 years later

to post or not to post…
4 years ago I woke up from emergency surgery with stage 3 colon cancer and a colostomy. i had never heard that word before but now I had one. not something you ever want. The 9 months following that day, I would go through 6 months of chemotherapy and have 2 more surgeries. during that time I learned to be numb to and for my body. it wasn’t conscious but I disconnected emotionally and mentally so that needles attached to tubes could be connected. it was the only way.
4 years later I have much to be grateful for – i am cancer free, a beautiful landscape I call home, a life full of abundance brimming with love from and for many.
am so grateful.
but if I’m being honest, and I look inward and try to feel my body, the numbness is still there. the colostomy scar is strong and I try not to see it.  remnant of the intensities of pains I felt during those 9 months can be as crisp as the first frost in autumn.  these memories haunt me at random moments and still bring tears to my eyes.
and if I’m still being honest, the numbness cancer taught me was training wheels for infertility.  23 months of trying to conceive. we’ve tried all the things, many times. and so again there been no choice but to be numb to my body. numb to the pinch, numb to the 100’s of needles I’ve stuck into my belly, numb to the needles Steve has jabbed into my butt, numb to weight i’ve gained from the hormones, numb to the miscarriage, numb to the single pink line, numb to the new families of joy surrounding me, numb to the monthly bleed, numb to the desire to have a family of our own, numb to faux pa of talking about infertility.  NUMB.
i have been trying to lift myself from the numbness.  but “if you want to learn to fly, you have to leave the ground”.

2 thoughts on “4 years later

  1. Dear Elizabeth, It is such a coincidence that you sent this out today, because just yesterday, I was thinking about you and wondering how you were! We are in Chautauqua fior the summer, and I was thinking about what wonderful friends you and Molly were when you were younger!

    I am so happy to hear that you are cancer-free…what an ordeal you have been through! But I am also very sad about your infertility issues. That must be very painful for you, albeit in a different way.

    I think about you often, and hope that you can manage to overcome the numbness you wrote about so eloquently. You are an amazing writer; I’m just so sorry that you have had to endure such difficult life experiences. I would love to hear from you if you have a chance… Love,Carol Carol YunkerVPKelly@aol.com

    Like

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