to post or not to post…
4 years ago I woke up from emergency surgery with stage 3 colon cancer and a colostomy. i had never heard that word before but now I had one. not something you ever want. The 9 months following that day, I would go through 6 months of chemotherapy and have 2 more surgeries. during that time I learned to be numb to and for my body. it wasn’t conscious but I disconnected emotionally and mentally so that needles attached to tubes could be connected. it was the only way.
4 years later I have much to be grateful for – i am cancer free, a beautiful landscape I call home, a life full of abundance brimming with love from and for many.
i am so grateful.
but if I’m being honest, and I look inward and try to feel my body, the numbness is still there. the colostomy scar is strong and I try not to see it. remnant of the intensities of pains I felt during those 9 months can be as crisp as the first frost in autumn. these memories haunt me at random moments and still bring tears to my eyes.
and if I’m still being honest, the numbness cancer taught me was training wheels for infertility. 23 months of trying to conceive. we’ve tried all the things, many times. and so again there been no choice but to be numb to my body. numb to the pinch, numb to the 100’s of needles I’ve stuck into my belly, numb to the needles Steve has jabbed into my butt, numb to weight i’ve gained from the hormones, numb to the miscarriage, numb to the single pink line, numb to the new families of joy surrounding me, numb to the monthly bleed, numb to the desire to have a family of our own, numb to faux pa of talking about infertility. NUMB.
i have been trying to lift myself from the numbness. but “if you want to learn to fly, you have to leave the ground”.